


Drown

by Ciezuru



Category: Keyakizaka46 (Band)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Near Death Experiences, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 07:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18048470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciezuru/pseuds/Ciezuru
Summary: It comes in waves, I close my eyes,Hold my breath and let it bury me.I'm not ok and it's not alright,Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?





	Drown

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for suicidal intent and mentions of death. Roughly based on Heel No Taka-Sa's MV.

_Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?_

-

They say that the moment your feet leaves the ledge is when regret chooses to rear its ugly head.

Akane had once read how when people are at death's door and before the painful tug of death's cruel hand severs their souls from their earthly tethers, their life flashes before their eyes. Like one of those huge old projectors they had at school.

And, everything just comes back at _you_.

The faces of your loved ones.

The ups and the downs.

The _regrets_.

And that is what's happening to her right now as she's freefalling down into the cold lake, the many faces suddenly flashed across her watery vision. The faces of her parents were drawn and their hair starting to grey, the faces of her friends worry etched upon their faces, her tennis coach normally with a hard frown on his face suddenly had traces of sympathy in his eyes.

And then, _her_ face.

Nothing could describe the crushing agony she felt as her body finally hit the water.

Pain.

Cold.

Darkness.

Black clawed at the edges of her vision but the human body is a beautiful creation, equipped with the means to always try to heal itself.

So her body responded and her instinct took over.

_Fight_ or _Flight_.

Akane dimly realizes how her body had righted itself from her slow sinking into the depths of the lake and how her arms and legs started to push her upwards towards the surface. But the fall had weakened her, the cold seeping into her bones and the alcohol in her system isn't much help either. Slowly she starts to falter and weaken as precious oxygen leaves her.

Choking.

Crushing.

Her last thoughts before darkness consumed her was of Yuuka.

Her beautiful, _beautiful_ friend.

And how she wished she were given the chance to talk to her one last time.

-

_Am I...dead?_

Slowly she opened her eyes to blackness.

_Where am I?_

Everything was pitch black but her body felt light, wet even, as if she's floating in water.

"You're neither here nor there"

A voice.

She recognizes that voice.

Her head turns towards the voice and floating a few feet beside her is her best friend.

"Yuu...ka?"

Disbelief lacing her voice.

And her friend smiles serenely at her in response.

"Am I...dead?"

Yuuka hums contemplatively. It reverberates in her head and suddenly she feels as if she's freefalling again.

-

The world feels bumpy this time, swaying.

It feels almost familiar, like when you're asleep in the backseat of your parent's car on the way back home from a road trip and your father tries to avoid the small potholes so you'd sleep fine but even with his driving finesse he still couldn't avoid the small bumps along the way.

When she opened her eyes this time, the sight that greeted her was the roof of a bus.

She lays there for a second, surveying the situation she is in, trying to wrap her mind around the situation.

_What's happening?_

The only illumination comes from the streetlights that pass by.

Looking to the side, she saw Yuuka peering at her from one of the seats. A look of contemplation on her face.

"What are you doing here?" Akane croaks out.

And Yuuka smiles that sweet smile that she knows she'll miss.

"What are _you_ doing here?" her friend parrots her, asking her back instead.

"I- I don't know"

The bus suddenly gains speed and she wonders if there was actually a driver driving the bus right now.

_Ah, but why should I worry about crashing when I'm already dead...right?_

"Where are we going?"

She was only answered by soft giggling.

Half crescents looked back at her and Yuuka leans further into her folded arms, seemingly undisturbed by the situation they are in.

"I don't know", she shrugs, "where do _you_ want to go?"

It's a simple enough question, and yet the answer eludes her still but Akane senses much more behind it.

Yuuka gives her a toothy smile.

Then, bright white light engulfs them.

-

"I thought you could use a change of scenery"

They were back at her house. The sight of a familiar blue sofa greets her. She used to spend hours reading on it with Yuuka, trading interesting excerpts with each other from the books they were each reading and just...enjoying each other's company.

She'll miss that moment.

"How have things been with your tennis training?" Yuuka asks, breaking her out of the stilted silence and Akane suddenly realizes the bottle of bright red nail polish dangling in front of her face.

"Remember when we used to do this after school?"

Akane blinks owlishly, mouth still refusing to cooperate after the jarring change of scenery. Her mind is a whirlwind of curiosity and Yuuka's sudden presence or _guidance_ isn't helping her at all.

Still, she accepts the proffered bottle and moves on autopilot, uncapping the bottle. Slowly, with each stroke of the brush, her nerves began to unravel, as she paints her friend's toes.

_Everything about her is beautiful, even her toes._

"I missed this", the quiet admission startles Akane out of her concentration, brows furrowing. "We haven't spent a lot of time with each other like we used to"

Guilt spreads through her. True, they'd been best friends since kids, always together and basically conjoined together at the hip – figuratively speaking of course. Then one day they just...strayed away from each other. Of course, Akane knew the exact reason why since she herself was the reason it happened.

She had busied herself with tennis, often turning down Yuuka's attempts to meet with her and ignoring her calls.

Excuses always at the ready.

And never forgets to turn away before she could see the _hurt_ on her friend's face after another failed attempt to talk to her.

For one Moriya Akane is in denial that she may very well be _in love_ with her best friend. So she does what she's good at.

She _runs_.

Away from her feelings and away from _her_.

Sensing the sudden tension in her friend, Yuuka graciously broke the silence. "I've always wondered why you liked the color so much. Do you remember that silly catchphrase you liked to use?"

Akane groans, secretly glad at the offered exit but at the expense of relieving her childhood nightmare. "You'll never let me live that one down are you?"

"Ne, do it again one more time for me...please?

A lopsided smile is all it takes to bring her walls down and Akane relents, deciding to humor her friend.

"Fine" she clears her throat.

"W-what color is a strawberry?"

"Aka!" Yuuka enthusiastically pumps a fist.

_Always the one to cheer her on._

"What color is a cherry?"

"Aka!"

"Wh-who do you...love?" she falters feeling her heart start to hammer against her ribcage.

"Akane!"

_Thumpthumpthump!_

"I'll-I'll dye your hearts a madder shade of red!"

Normally, Akane is a very confident woman.

Never falters, never stutters.

But lately, there's just something in her friend that makes her go tongue-tied.

Weak in the knees.

She denies it still, denies that she may very well be in love with her best friend. For fear of ruining their friendship, she will carry this secret to her grave- which in this case would very likely happen given that the last thing she remembered was drowning in a cold lake and _dying_.

And yet, here she is- well, wherever _here_ is.

The mortification sets in, burying her heated face into her palms she didn't notice how Yuuka's face had softened.

"Ugh, I don't even know why I made that it's so stu-

"You already did with mine"

She's taken aback by the confession and the entire room comes to a standstill. Within the span of a few seconds, the scene around them shifts dramatically in an array of muddled colors. It's disconcerting, both the confession and the shifting shapes and colors around them and she feels her throat constricting with the onslaught of emotions.

Warm fingers settled on her cheeks and she unconsciously leans into their warmth. Licking her dry lips, she wills herself to look at her friend.

"Wh-", a pause, "What do you mean?" Her ears are ringing and the world around them is slowly fading.

_Pleasepleaseplease! Not Now!_

Without realizing, her body shot forward, desperate hands grabbing hold of her friend's shoulders.

"What do you mean? Yuuka?" desperation in her voice but her friend only smiled sadly in return as she slowly starts to fade along with the world around them, "No, No! Yuuka!"

A cry into nothingness and then everything fades into white.

-

The sun blinds her and she reaches out a hand to shield herself from its unforgiving rays.

Disoriented.

"The sun feels nice doesn't it?" Yuuka is sitting beside her, head reclined back, eyes closed with a hint of a smile on her lips as if the last few events hadn't fazed her while Akane's mind is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. When Yuuka turns and smiles at her, suddenly the sun didn't seem so bright after all.

A hand reaches over and combs through her hair, carding through it so gently and almost intimately that Akane could feel a blush burning her cheeks.

She doesn't understand what exactly is happening to her right now nor the true nature of her dear friend's presence but at that moment, with the warmth of the sun shining down on them and Yuuka's hand in her hair, nothing else mattered.

"Are you hungry?"

And Akane couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the question. She's supposed to be dead, can she even be hungry? Nevertheless, she decides to just go with the flow and nods, soon she found herself staring cross-eyed at a turkey leg held directly in front of her face.

Yuuka happily lies down beside her and began stripping her own turkey leg with gusto.

She stares at her friend happily enjoying her turkey leg but she couldn't ignore the niggling at the back of her head, the burning question she had no answer to after all this _weirdness_ began.

"Ne," she smiles at the wide-eyed look her friend gave her.

"Yeah?"

"Tell me...why are you here?"

Eyes momentarily flickering with discomfort, Yuuka remained quiet and took a rather large bite off her turkey, keeping herself occupied from having to answer her question.

Smiling ruefully after having her question ignored again, Akane gives in and took a bite of her turkey. Maybe she should just enjoy the peace while it lasted.

"I suppose, it's to make up for the lost time" Yuuka finally answers.

A guilty silence follows after and Akane could feel prickling at the back of her eyes.

They finished off their turkey legs in silence and soon after Akane felt her eyes grow heavy and the next thing she knows everything had turned black.

-

She's standing in an alleyway, the crouched form of her friend with her back towards her greeted her.

"Ah Akane, come take a look", Yuuka gestures for her to come closer and as she got closer she could see a small kitten nestled in the crook of her friend's elbow. Its paw was badly mangled and even though she's no veterinarian, she's pretty sure the cat would have to lose the limb.

"That looks bad, I don't think the paw can be saved", the kitten could only meow pathetically up at her, "The poor thing, I don't know how it'll survive with only 3 legs".

Yuuka stood up with the kitten in her arms, "Well we should at least try to save it, let's bring it to the vet"

And suddenly it felt as if her stomach was being pulled from the inside, the world warping around her and the next thing she knows she's sitting in an animal clinic, next to her Yuuka is bouncing her leg anxiously as they wait for news of the kitten.

Then, a vet came out with the kitten, and as she had predicted its injured leg had been amputated. Without another word, the vet deposited the kitten in Yuuka's waiting hands and left.

Again, the world around her turned into a blur of muddled colors and then she's back in her house with her crouching in front of Yuuka. The kitten was happily jumping and playing with the toy her friend dangled in front of it, seemingly unfazed by the fact that one of its limbs was amputated.

"Amazing isn't it?" Yuuka giggled as the kitten jumped in tandem with the toy, "She just lost an important part of her and yet she's still able to adjust to it"

There's something behind those words and Akane tries to figure out how to respond but her tongue was heavy and her throat was constricting. She sucked in a breath as the room around them shifts, blurring.

Time seemed to have come to a standstill, the kitten froze mid-jump and it's only remaining paw was raised high in the air to catch the fuzzy ball attached to the stick Yuuka was holding.

She looks away from the frozen kitten and into the dark eyes of her friend smiling sadly at her, an ethereal glow surrounds her.

"It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on"

Her friend's words reverberate in her head and she feels a new feeling of grief blooming in her, spreading through her veins and viciously stabbing at her heart.

"Yuuka wait- I...!"

The glow behind her turns blinding and hot and Akane shouts reaching for her friend and when she made contact, the world around them shatters.

-

When she opened her eyes for the umpteenth time she finds herself back in the bus, too dark and stifling but it wasn't moving, not like back then.

But Yuuka was _gone_.

Once she regained her bearings, she heads for the window and gazed outside. The sight of the familiar lake greets her like an old friend from a distant memory and she soon found herself automatically walking out of the bus.

Still, her friend was nowhere to be found.

The thought of actually reaching the end scares her and she could feel panic starting to sink in but then a familiar voice called out to her.

"Akane" and there she was, her precious friend looking down at her atop the bus. Relief flowed through her in waves at the sight of her and she quickly climbs up to reach her.

They lay there side by side with the stars as their witness.

The end is nigh, Akane feels it, dreads it and she's strangely at peace with it but, there are still things left unsaid and maybe something about dying gets you to acknowledge things you normally wouldn't be comfortable confronting and then realizing things you should have said a long time ago.

A second chance.

"Yuuka..I-" her voice catches in her throat, "I never meant to hurt you before and I'm sorry for hurting you all this while"

A warm hand snaked its way into her hand as Yuuka turned to look at her, "I forgive you".

"All this time I-I loved you Yuuka and I denied it for so long, I was a coward and I ran and I hurt you so bad and I'm reallyreally s-"warm lips covered her own and it took her a few seconds for her to register what was going on but soon enough she closed her eyes and savored what could be their first and last kiss.

It felt like how she had daydreamed a million times before, sweet and gentle, never forceful just like Yuuka. Without realizing, hot tears flow down her cheeks and intermingled with their kisses but even the saltiness of the tears could not temper with the sweetness of Yuuka's kiss.

With a shuddering breath, Yuuka pulled away, her eyes glistened with unshed tears. Akane shivered when Yuuka's cold fingertips wiped her tears away, "I know and I love you too", she whispers, "but you need to let me go".

Then she slowly got up and stood, moving towards the edge of the bus she then turns towards Akane, back against the cold lake.

Akane tries to scramble after her but it was hard for her to move as if she was moving underwater, "Yuuka no, nonono don't leave me! Not yet!"

Yuuka smiles sadly at her struggling friend, "You will survive this Akane" and with that final whisper, she took a step back over the edge of the bus and _falls_.

A hoarse cry and Akane's body flew, leaping into the water to chase after her friend.

She swam frantically trying to search for her but it was too dark, the coldness of the water was weighing her down and she screamed for her missing friend, screamed in grief and frustration.

The water around her began to close in on her and she fought against it, not yet ready to leave everything behind. She felt something pulling her and valiantly she tries to resist it but she was weakening considerably and her body locks up.

She was slipping away, her time was _up_.

Further and further upwards she was pulled by an unseen force and in the distance, a blurred white form swam into her view and lifted her by the armpits.

She's ascending faster now with the help of the white figure, and with her blackening vision, the blurred form of the white figure slowly morphs into that of Yuuka's smiling face. "Live", she mouths, then a huge flash of light obliterates her image and Akane knows no more.

-

She blinks hard. She sees the dark sky. She sees the glimmering stars, feels the prickly wet grass underneath her. It was cold and she was shivering but she had never felt more _alive_.

A worried face suddenly looms over her. "Akane! Akane can you hear me? Girls! She's awake!"

"Oh thank god, you had us all worried"

"Somebody get me a towel and call an ambulance"

Everything was a flurry of activity, of exclamations of relief and warm wandering hands bringing her back to the land of the living.

She's loaded into the ambulance, an oxygen mask covers her face and her friend Fuyuka gets in after her and grasped her cold hand.

"Don't you dare leave us" she whispers harshly.

And all Akane could do was squeeze her friend's trembling hand to assure her that no, she was not going to be leaving them anytime soon.

After all, Yuuka had made sure of that.

-

It's been 3 days since the incident, she was lucky to have been found by her friends who had worriedly came after her. From what she was told, she had climbed the local water tower and had a little too much to drink. In her inebriated state, and in a moment of weakness, she missed a step and fell into the lake.

She knows that a small part of her had wanted to end her life that night and when she remembers it again, no matter how hazy it was, she had felt ashamed at ever thinking that.

Call her crazy but she can remember every single moment she had spent with Yuuka in the hazy dreamlike world. Though she kept it to herself, her last precious memory of her dear friend.

Akane believes that Yuuka, somewhere between this world and the next, had given her one more chance at life and she'd be a fool to waste it.

In her moments of darkness, she had pushed away from the people in her life that were willing to help pull her out of her despair and that was a mistake she had truly regretted.

Sometimes, you need to keep people close to you.

Sometimes you need to give them access to your heart, to your thoughts so you don't _drown_ in the current and forget yourself.

A wake-up call is what she needed and what a wake-up call it was.

-

_Epilogue_

 

She's standing in front of an all too familiar door, a hesitant knuckle raised to knock before it swung open and she was suddenly engulfed in a warm hug.

"You came", they pulled back and Akane could see the relief in the woman's eyes. Mrs. Sugai looked tired, her eyes were red and her hair had a few more strands of grey hair than the last time she saw her when she had shouted at them in anger over their decision to put Yuuka to rest which resulted in her getting drunk and almost putting _herself_ to rest.

"Mrs. Sugai, I-I want to apologize for my behavior the other day-"

"We understand, after all, it was not an easy decision to make. You were her best friend after all." Behind her, Mr.Sugai stood, the once proud man looked no better than his wife. He's usually clean-shaven face was covered with hair and his usual proud posture was now hunched.

"Thank you for coming, she would have wanted you to be here", his voice was gravely and he gave her a small lopsided smile and Akane had to close her eyes because at that moment he looked so much like her friend and it _hurts_.

She had to be strong. For herself. For Yuuka's parents. For Yuuka.

The familiar steady beeping of the heart rate monitor and the soft whooshing of the respirator finally assaults her. The sight of her friend so frail and small, chest jerking mechanically with every breath from the respirator always leaves her with a bitter taste on her tongue. She walks slowly over to the side of the bed and clasps her cold hand, her thumb smoothing over the light veins- her friend's skin had turned almost translucent after months of staying in a hospital room.

Akane remembers vividly the exact moment when she last spoke to her friend after weeks of avoiding- of _denying_. Yuuka had come to her locker room while she was changing, successfully cornering and ridding her of any exits. She had feared for the worse, that Yuuka came to expose her of her feelings and wanted to end their friendship, instead, her friend had shyly asked her if she'd come to see her ride her new horse at practice to which she reluctantly agreed. Rushing out of the changing room too fast, she missed seeing the relieved grin on the girl's face, happy to have finally spoken to her best friend after a long time.

On the day itself, she'd been busy training for the tennis championship that she forgot about her friend's request altogether. The next thing she knew, Mrs.Sugai had called her, sobbing, telling her about Yuuka's accident and her world came crashing down.

A horse riding accident. A traumatic brain injury. A medically-induced coma. Brain-dead.

Her life was never the same in those six-months of waiting, hoping for any sort of miracle for Yuuka to wake up so much so that she had turned to alcohol to cope with the pain, destroying her life in the process.

But no, no miracle happened.

Yuuka's _gone_.

"The doctor will come in as soon as...you're ready", voice laden with resignation, Mr.Sugai stands at the other side of the bed, sadly looking down at the prone form of his precious daughter.

"Thank you...for waiting for me", her hand moves to smooth her friend's hair and she leans down, whisper's in her ear, "Thank you", a small long kiss to a cold cheek, "I love you".

Mrs. Sugai gave her a small sad almost knowing smile and extends a hand towards her, pulling her against her side both to comfort Akane and herself. The solemn faces of the doctor and nurse came and after getting the signature from Mr.Sugai, they proceeded to pull the plug.

One by one, Yuuka's vitals drop and then the steady beating slowly fades into a shrill whine that fills the entire room.

_Gone_.

The nurse kindly turns off the heart-rate monitor and the room was bathed in silence.

No tears were shed, only resignation as the small makeshift family stood vigil. It's a private moment for only the three of them today so a small funeral will be held tomorrow where close friends and family members will gather for Yuuka's final send-off.

Soon, it was time to part ways and Akane was made to promise to always visit the couple whenever she wants.

As she walks down the hallway, always buzzing with emergencies here and there, Yuuka's words echo in her mind.

_It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on._

After making peace with Yuuka's death and somewhat meeting her in between while managing to confess her long-buried feelings, Akane finally feels peace in a long time.

The wind is chilly when she walked out of the hospital, still feeling the gnawing grief of Yuuka's death she almost did not realize the small kitten stumbling towards her. Its paw was badly injured and when she picked it up it mewled pathetically up at her, in pain and also partly with gratitude.

Akane smiles, and rubbed its small furry head, "You poor thing, don't worry I'll take care of you."

Filled with sudden resolve and a sense of Deja-vu, she begins searching for the nearest vet clinic, the kitten safely tucked in the crook of her elbow. While googling for the nearest vet clinic she suddenly remembered Yuuka's words and she feels herself echo the sentiment back to the kitten in her arms.

"You will survive this", a mewl, "I'll make sure of it", a promise both to the kitten and to herself.

Her phone 'dings' signaling that it's found a clinic and Akane puts more urgency in her steps. Maybe it's a sign for her, a way for her to cope with a loss by taking care of another living being and a start to getting herself back together.

Maybe just maybe, it's a final helping hand from Yuuka.

At the thought, she's determined to build her life back and live life to the fullest in Yuuka's honor

She'll make damn sure of it.

-

_Thank you, for waiting and giving me the chance to talk you one last time._

_I love you, Sugai Yuuka._


End file.
